New Music Sucks

You like to drink? So does Ke$ha.

This all started way back in the 1950′s. Everybody was all up-in-arms over Elvis Presley because of the whole pelvis thing. Parents everywhere were flipping out because they thought he was singing about sex. Fast forward to the Beatles, after the big to do about being “more popular than Jesus Christ.” Parents flipped out because they thought The Beatles were writing songs about drugs. Then eventually, they flipped out at Kiss and Mötley Crüe for having hidden satanic chants in their songs. They, sometimes, even claimed that you could hear the messages if you played the record backwards. They flipped out at Judas Priest for having subliminal messages about suicide. And they went berserk about grunge music, because Nirvana was just angry noise. Well, not my parents, actually. They were super into grunge, but I digress.

I know that when I say what I’m about to say, I’m going to come off like those generations of cranky people who disapproved of the youth’s music. Here goes:

Today’s music SUCKS. It’s not even music. Do you know what the difference is between Elvis and Ke$ha? Elvis actually sang. The difference between Mötley Crüe and Chris Brown is that they actually tried to dress up their lyrics with some metaphors. And maybe Nirvana was pretty noisy, but at least they made noise with actual instruments. Let’s look at the worst aspects of today’s music:

Auto-Tune

Allow me to elaborate. By now, you’ve all heard about auto-tune. It’s a technology that enables producers to correct poorly sung notes in the studio, in order to make a singer’s performance sound better. Here’s the shocking part: I don’t hate the technology. I think you can generate some pretty cool effects if you use it the right way. We all know that Cher song. I don’t even have to tell you which one it is, you’re already humming it in your head and thinking of her snappy vocal line. We didn’t even know what auto-tune was, back then, and we all thought it was cool.

Here’s the problem. It used to be used as an effect, or in some cases, a crutch. We’re so far beyond that now. We’re at a point where the pop singer like Ke$ha sings one take while the producer draws in the melody with auto-tune. Voilà - perfectly sung vocal track. So not only did she not write the song, but she didn’t even really sing it. She enunciated it while a computer sang it for her. I realize that Elvis wasn’t a writer either, but damn that guy could sing. Wouldn’t you rather listen to a great singer than a someone using a computer as a voice?

Carelessly Overt Lyrics

Like, seriously, do writers even try anymore?

“You like to drink? Yeah
So do we, yeah
Get more bottles, yeah,
bring ‘em to me, yeah
Hold your glasses up, people everywhere
Now everybody put your hands in the air”

-Yeah 3x, Chris Brown

I realize that everybody was pissed off about Mötley Crüe potentially having hidden satanic chants in their music, but can’t we all give them the benefit of the doubt that they actually tried to lyrically veil them?

“He’ll be the risk in the kiss
Might be anger on your lips
Might run scared for the door
But in seasons of wither
We’ll stand and deliver
Be strong and laugh and

SHOUT SHOUT SHOUT

Shout at the devil”

-Shout at the Devil, Mötley Crüe

I’m not saying these are Shakespearean sonnets or anything, but at least they were more lyrical than “You like to drink? So do we.”

Doesn’t listening to this: 

Just make you want to listen to this?: 

Of the two videos you just watched, which one sounds more like noise?

Give me Nikki Sixx over Nicki Minaj every day of the week, and twice on Sundays.

Top Five: Records

Picking five favorite albums is difficult. Sure, it’s not quite as tough as picking a favorite Beatles song,
cooking a turkey, or building a church, but it’s still difficult. I’ll mention, for those of you new to Top Five, that these are my favorites right now, which is subject to change over time.

5. Punch Brothers – Who’s Feeling Young Now?

I had trouble with this pick. This album came out last year, so I’m still kinda new-car about it, but while writing this post I listened to it twice and decided it was too good to be left out. I wrote an article about it a little while back, but to summarize, the band is filled with virtuosic musicians who wanted to put less emphasis on instrumentality and focus on songwriting. The result was nothing short of wow, and if you haven’t heard it yet, you should.

4. Coldplay – Parachutes

You know those moments in life when your head hurts, your ears are ringing, and all of it makes you cranky? Good, me too. I usually have them after long gigs. You may think that the cure is Advil or some other headache medicine, and I’m not afraid to tell you that you’re wrong. The cure is Parachutes. Sometimes the musical stars align, and a band gets it absolutely right. This album is the perfect example of that. It’s one of those records that you put on during a long drive and let it take your troubles away. Also, the title track is one of the best short-songs ever written, clocking in at 46 seconds.

3. The Beatles – Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

There isn’t a whole hell of a lot that can be said about Sgt Pepper that hasn’t already been said, so I’ll just get down to brass tacks. The bass playing alone makes this one of the best albums ever made, and would warrant it being in my top five. Additionally, the songwriting is obviously out of this world, and the recording quality is still legitimate and enjoyable. One of my favorite aspects of Sgt Pepper is how John and Paul sped or slowed the sound of their voices to suit each song. That’s just the kind of brilliant idea that would never occur to me, and it’s a technique that doesn’t really get used anymore. I’m gonna bring that back on my next album. You just wait and see. Or… Um… Hear…

2. Ben Folds Five – Whatever and Ever Amen

They recorded this album in the living room of Ben’s house in Nashville, and it feels as at home as it sounds. Maybe the reason I enjoy listening to the piano so much is that I can’t play it, but I’m pretty sure that even the best piano players in the world would love this record. My favorite thing about it is the fact that it was recorded by three musicians who each play one instrument, and that there’s barely anything else on it. Believe me, there’s definitely a place for oodles of production, but the fact that this album doesn’t have it and is still as powerful as it is really sticks out and makes it stand the test of time.

But it’s not number one! The Award goes to…

1. Nickel Creek – Why Should the Fire Die

I almost had trouble ranking this number one because I’ve listened to it so many times that I’m nearly sick of it, but when I think about the fact that I’ve listened as many times as I have, I realize that it’s still definitely the reigning champ. First time I heard this record, I thought it was stupid. No idea why. Turns out, first time I heard this record, I was stupid. Anyway, second time I listened to this record, it changed me. It made me listen to music and approach songwriting in a completely different way. People who know this album well often comment that they hear it’s influence on my writing, and if that’s even 10% true, then my writing is infinitely better for it. This record possesses exquisitely well blended music, instrumental brilliance, and first class songwriting. Not only that, but it was recorded live to tape in an era when every thing is all pro tools’d to shit. I love raw, open acoustic music, and if you do too – buy this friggin’ album.

Honorable Mentions: Extreme – III Sides to Every Story, Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlanticism, John Denver and the Muppets – A Christmas Together, Chris Thile – Deceiver, Ben Folds – Rockin the Suburbs, Blink 182 – Blink 182, Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin II, Frou Frou – Details, CSN&Y – Deja Vu

Top Five: Movies

Yeah, High Fidelity did it first. So what?

“And If I want to find the song “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac I have to remember that I bought it for someone in the fall of 1983 pile, but didn’t give it to them for personal reasons.”

Anyway, I was on a road-trip-mini-tour playing gigs in VT this weekend, and I caught myself saying “Dude, that’s in my top five” about 16.8 times. One of the times, I didn’t finish the word five… Moving right along.

5) High Fidelity - I kinda had to. So, the thing that always gets me about this movie is that the protagonist is a huge asshole, and by the end, we ALL love him! Plus, he’s a bitter/cranky music elitist, which is basically 78% of everybody I’ve ever worked with. Also – Anybody who doesn’t think this is Jack Black’s best role needs to watch the Cosby sweater scene again.

4) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - I think we’ve all been in that relationship where you get together, but realize pretty quickly that you’re two completely different people. I also think we’ve all been at a point where we’ve wanted to erase somebody from our heads. It’s pretty hard for this movie not to hit you pretty hard, and it hit me pretty damn hard. Plus, the memory sequences look exactly like my actual dreams.

3) Yellow Submarine - If I ever reach that point where I’m too sad to do anything, I watch Yellow Submarine, and it makes me smile every single time. I used to watch it when I was a kid, and it still makes me laugh and sing along. I love all of the colors, I love all of the outrageously random inhabitants of Pepperland, and the message of “All You Need is Love” can never get old. Oh yeah, and the sound track is pretty dece.

2) The Godfather - Not much can be said about The Godfather that hasn’t already been said, so I’ll just say this: Al Pacino is frightening, Marlon Brando is heartbreakingly human, James Caan is a baller, and a cannoli gets prioritized over a human life. What more could you want in a movie?

Unless you wanted to watch…

1) Saving Private Ryan – This movie gets everything right. First of all, Tom Hanks is one of my favorite actors. He always seems to play roles the exact right amount. Never once have I thought that he was over/under doing it. Secondly, this movie will successfully make you laugh, cry, shriek, ponder, call your parents to tell them you love them, inject the word FUBAR into your every day vernacular, and want to watch it all over again. Find me a person who doesn’t think this movie is amazing, and I’ll buy you a box of peeps. I’ll even splurge for the 16 pack.

 

Honorable Mention : Wall-E, Empire Strikes Back, The Lord of The Rings, American Beauty, The Departed

The Unbearable Baseball Broadcast

I’m a Red Sox fan. As such, I don’t want to add to the tsunami of articles about how badly the team is currently playing. I want to focus on something else:

THE UNBEARABLE BASEBALL BROADCAST

So, for those of you who don’t watch Red Sox games, they’re broadcast on the New England Sports Network. I’ve been watching NESN’s broadcasts for years, and enjoyed them equally as long. I always used to be a fan of NESN’s camera angles, analysis, and coverage of the team , but lately things have been awful.

Top to bottom, games have been running something like this:

1.) Pre-game report with coverage of

-Pitchers

-Lineups

-Manager and player interviews

-Weather conditions

-League standings

That is all well and good right now. NESN’s pre-game tells me exactly what I need to know heading into the game. I watch about 98% of Red Sox games during the season, but if I didn’t, the pre-game would definitely bring me up to speed.

2.) In-Game Coverage, Color, and Commentary

Okay, here goes. The first inning or two are usually pretty crisp and to-the-point, but as the game gets to the third inning and beyond, all hell breaks loose.

- Announcing: First of all, I’m a fan of Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy (The Red Sox announcer and color commentator, respectively.) They provide good analysis, seemingly unbiased opinions, and they get on their own players after mistakes or bad at bats. What gets me, though, is their incessant blabbing about completely irrelevant topics (fishing boats, management of Remy’s sports bar, or a fan throwing pizza at another fan.) I realize that sometimes games get way out of hand, and that there isn’t a lot to comment on when the Sox are down by ten runs, (which happens a lot at Fenway, lately) but the pair’s tangents are seemingly outnumbering their takes on particular plays of the game. Lately, they’ve been getting so wrapped-up in each other’s nonsense that they’re mistaking details of what should be elementary analysis. What makes it even worse is that NESN shows Don and Jerry laughing or comparing tie lengths on screen. I don’t want to see them, I want to see Lester pitching to Cabrera! I don’t want to sit on the couch after a hard days work and hear about what Don and Jerry had for dinner, I just want to watch the damn game.

- Sideshows: I realize that NESN is a business, and they want to use their more-viewed broadcasts to advertise for their less-viewed broadcasts, but this is getting ridiculous. Follow me on this one: The Red Sox are in the middle of a rally and I have to sit through a “sneak peak” of NESN’s new show Small Talk? Are you friggin’ kidding me? I’m happy for the children who get to ask questions of their favorite baseball players, but if I want to watch the damn show, I’ll watch the damn show. Don’t make me sit through “sneak peaks” when the Sox have runners at the corners in the bottom of the eighth of a tie ballgame. Don’t cut away from an at bat to show me Jenny Dell’s interview with Haley Reinhart. I don’t care about Haley Reinhart, and the people who do care about Haley Reinhart can tune in to American Idol. When American Idol starts cutting away from performances to show me the score at Fenway, I’ll shut up. Until then, I just want to watch the damn game.

- Ads: Where there are sports, there are ads. I’m okay with this, because it’s common place on television and in radio. Hell, as I’ve said before, sometimes ads can be very enjoyable. What isn’t enjoyable is when, in the middle of an at bat, the team cuts away from the shot of the pitcher to show the Southwest Airlines logo. I get enough ads during commercial breaks! I don’t want to watch ads during an at bat! I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE DAMN GAME!

3.) Post-game report

This is on par with the pre-game. Good analysis, clear-cut takes, and a smooth running program.

I was born a Red Sox fan, and I’ll die a Red Sox fan, but NESN really needs to get their crap together or I’m going to stop watching games on TV. I’m starting to think that one of the contestants on Small Talk would be a better show runner than whoever NESN’s using right now.

One final anecdote: While I was at work on Saturday, I met NESN’s director of baseball programming. I mentioned to her that I heard about former Red Sox outfielder Matt Stairs joining the broadcast team as an analyst. Her reply – “Who’s Matt Stairs?”

Fact or Fiction: Guitar Amps That Don’t Suck

Okay, I realize that this sounds obvious, but I want a guitar amp that doesn’t suck! Allow me to explain: I’m a guitar player, I’ve been playing for about ten years, and I do anywhere between two to six gigs each week. Needless to say, I’ve been through a fair amount of amps in my guitar playing tenure, and every amp I’ve owned comes with it’s share of pros and cons. I’ve been drawing from that well of memories to concoct an ideal amp in my head, and although I’ve come pretty close to finding it, it doesn’t really seem to exist.

Here are some reasons that I think that most guitar amps either sound like garbage, or cost way too much money for what they are. (Side-note, I’m operating under a musician’s salary)

1.) Tubes vs. Solid State

True or false: Tube amps sound better than solid state amps. FALSE. Tube amps sound different than solid state amps. I’ve seen guitar players get a crappy tone running a $4,000 Gibson Les Paul through a $4,000 Marshall tube amp, and I’ve seen guitar players get an amazing sound through a guitar and amp combination that (in total) cost about $700. A friend of mine plays a $400 Washburn through a solid state Peavey XXL combo amp, and it sounds the absolute balls.  For some reason, though, guitar traditionalists are unbelievably stubborn about tube amplifiers being “better” than solid state amplifiers.

Disclaimer: I have no problem with guitar traditionalists, stubbornness, or tube amplifiers. Personally, I prefer tube amplifiers. My point is that the stubbornness about the issue has caused tube guitar amps to cost way too much money.

So at this point, since the kind of sound that I want would lean more towards the tube amp side of the spectrum, my tastes are immediately more expensive than I want them to be. I realize that it costs more to make a tube amp than it does a solid state amp, but come on. I have to pay $1,000 extra because my amp has 6 glass bottles in the back? I don’t buy it, figuratively or literally.

2.) Metallica

Metallica is super cool, and they’ve written some badass rock riffs. Ipso facto, 75% of guitar amps sound like they were used on The Black Album. What?!? Why?!?

Disclaimer part deux: I love Metallica, but when I pick up a guitar, I don’t want to sound like James Hetfield. The over-saturated, super-gainey, scooped-midrange sound just isn’t for me.

3.) Brand Loyalty

My gripe is mainly with Marshall, here. There was a time when Marshall made a line of good quality amps that sounded great, and were easy on the wallet. For my fifteenth birthday, my parents bought me a 1990′s Marshall JCM 600 half stack, and I absolutely loved the thing. In fact, I still love it. It has that great midrange sound, its all tube, and it has a master volume knob (so I can reign in the volume without sacrificing the overall sound.) The only drawback is that it’s a half stack (i.e. very heavy and not too portable.) I love to use it whenever I can, but to think that I can employ it five nights a week at tiny Boston bars isn’t realistic, as it has been known to occupy a fair amount of real estate on a stage. When I’m a rock star, and playing sold out shows at the Royal Albert Hall, that’ll be the rig I bring out. Until then, I need a smaller option to have in my arsenal.

The logical move would be to look for a portable Marshall combo amp, right? Wrong. Marshall no longer makes the JCM 600 line, and everything close to it (sound-wise) clears the $1,000 mark with ease. It’s the same exact mentality as when people pay too much for Air Jordans, Mont Blanc pens, or Prada sunglasses. Spending an exorbitant amount of money on an item, just because somebody else has, doesn’t justify the amount you’ve spent.

Long story short, I’m looking for a single channel combo amp with an open/midrange sound that doesn’t weigh too much, is easily portable, won’t overdo it in the saturated gain department, and costs somewhere in the ballpark of $500. At this point, I’m prepared to lob that thought into the section of my brain that expects value at Whole Foods, parity in the NBA, and an ability to spontaneously run a marathon.

Shutoff’s Vol. 1

There are a few ways to describe this movie, but they all contain vast amounts of swears.

***Disclaimer – The Shutoff’s column contains spoilers***

It takes a lot for me to shut a movie off. 98% of the time, for better or for worse, I will commit to a film for the entirety of its length. But then there’s that 2%. I’d give you examples of movies I’ve shut off, and tell you why, but that would compromise the potential longevity of this column. Anyway, Shutoff’s Vol. 1:

The Holiday -

I almost don’t know where to begin, so I’ll just say that I hated this movie, and that I partially blame Netflix for the fact that I watched it. Remember the old Netflix format where they’d show some text that said, “If you liked ___________ then you’ll love____________?” Well one day they said to me, “If you like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, you’ll love The Holiday.” Not since Clinton’s “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” has a more false statement been uttered. Seriously, those films aren’t even close. The only conceivable justification of Netflix’s ridiculous assessment is the fact that Kate Winslet is cast in both movies. Unfortunately, Kate’s brilliant performance in Eternal Sunshine had nothing to do with The Holiday.

The movie has a jolly ol’ switcheroo type plot, where two people swap lives and call it a vacation. Amanda Woods (Cameron Diaz) is a successful American CEO of a movie-trailer production company out of LA, and Iris Simpkins (Kate Winslet) is British columnist who writes for the Daily Telegraph in London. The two meet electronically, via a home swap website, and decide to switch homes for two weeks in an attempt to get away from the hustle and bustle of their lives (and their cheating significant others.) They both get a taste of a drastically different lifestyle, and wind up with a love interest. Blah blah blah, you get the picture. This article isn’t about the plot of the movie, this article is about why this movie was shutoff, so here we go.

The ShutOffenses (See what I did there?)

1 – I’m not insinuating that Jack Black can’t act in a serious role, but he absolutely tanks in this movie. Usually, when a good actor delivers a bad performance, I blame the director. Nancy Myers, this one’s on you.

2 – The plot idea was a good one, but the execution was just so far off. This tends to happen when you have too much plot shoved into a movie, which leads me to my biggest gripe.

3 – T.F.L. This movie is Too F*#%!ng Long. 2:15. That’s right. Two hours and fifteen minutes. It’s hard enough to sit through a movie that long. It’s even harder when it’s terrible.

The interesting thing about this was that The Holiday almost wasn’t a shutoff. But by the two-hour and ten minute mark, I just couldn’t friggin’ take it anymore. It’s a lot to ask someone to sit through a suck movie, but to ask them to sit through two plus hours of suck is a whole new kind of torture.

Maybe I hated this movie because I went into the situation with the preconceived notion that it was going to be comparable to Eternal Sunshine. Or, maybe I hated it because it was garbage. I watched it back in 2008, so I can’t list any more qualities of which I disapprove. In order to do so, I’d have to watch it again, and that just ain’t happenin’.

Verdict: If you won’t want the 2:15 of your life spent on this movie back some day, I suggest you watch it. PS – You’re gonna want that 2:15 back.

Shout out to my old room-mate, Mike, who watched this movie with me. Sorry dude. I had absolutely no idea.

What I’m Playing: Video Game Edition

I’m very much a non-peak-hours kinda guy. If I’m gonna drive to New York (I live in Boston), I’ll wait til after 10:00 PM to go, because odds are there’ll be fewer cars on the road. I don’t grocery shop til closer til 11:00 so I can freely roam the dairy aisle. When it comes to video games, heck, I’ll wait two (maybe three) years to get whatever particular game I want. For instance, I bought BioShock a few weeks ago for $8.00. That’s right, $8.00. That isn’t a typo.

Now, this can certainly lead to the “where the hell have you been?!?” effect. You know, that thing where you give the “Guys, I just listened to Sgt. Peppers for the first time” spiel to your friends, and they give you the “Have you been living under a rock?” look. As long as you can get past that whole thing, then this style of video-game-consumerism is for you. I saved $56.00 and had the exact same gaming experience as someone who bought BioShock in 2007.

Anywho, I’m gonna say something that sounds like it’s crazy, but it’s not:

This is one of the best video games I’ve ever played.

My gaming requirements are pretty simple. I want to play something that’s single player, diverse, non-linear, and requires some amount of cognitive thought. For whatever reason, I’m not really into first person shooters. I’m even less into RPG’s (role-playing games.) BioShock manages to be both, but seem like neither. It honestly plays like you’re actually just living through its storyline, which is the deepest most involved of its kind that I’ve experienced (keep in mind though, I’m four to five years behind everybody else.)

The game is very task oriented, but manages to create enough urgency to distract you from the fact that you’re completing tasks over and over again. It’s also super diverse, in that you can cater your character to fit your gaming needs, and making him as strong, resistant, or cunning as you see fit.

I’m not going to give away too much about the game, because I’m too mesmerized by the story to carelessly give away major plot twists or events (shout out to my twelve year old cousin who blurted out the ending to me the other day.) I’m just going to suggest that if your gaming needs are at all similar to mine (or if you enjoy playing incredible/affordable games) then BioShock is most certainly for you.

Sidenote: This game is scary as hell, and you should be very thankful that the creators were thoughtful enough to give you a gun. Don’t play it without lights on. I made that mistake so that you wouldn’t have to. I know, I’m a team player. Thank me later.